Breath of Kind Air

When did sadness become a socially unacceptable feeling? It’s a feeling like every other one. I think it is being unjustly discriminated against. When people are happy, we say, “GREAT!” When people are grieving, we say, “I’m sorry.” So why is it when we are sad people say, “You have so much to be thankful about!” or “It could always be worse!” Why not a simple, “I’m sorry.” in this case too?

I have so many blessings in my life there are too many to count. How great is that? But I am also sad. A LOT. I think I know why I’m sad a lot. My love language is words of affirmation. (If you have never heard of the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman do yourself a favor and read his book, google it, or take his online quiz. It changed my life. It changed my marriage.) That means I give love with affirming words, positive comments, and support. It also means that I most feel loved when I am receiving the same affirming words, positive comments, and support. However, it seems to me, I am surrounded by so much constant negativity that it is nearly impossible to be anything but sad. Maybe I am also more affected by the negativity since my love language is words of affirmation. The local and national news is hardly tolerable to me. The “all about me” mentality is a bummer. Rude, inconsiderate people are a real bummer. Refereeing and taxing four children that always want or need something is a thankless job (well from them anyway). It’s not hard to see why I feel drained and sad a lot. Not always but a lot.

Today, my husband got the kids up and ready for school as usual (his love language is obviously acts of service). I was able to hide under the covers as long as possible. I woke up to a crying 6 yr old (negativity) and sassy/frustrated 6 yr old (negativity). I walk them into school. Both cling to me like it was the first day of school and one 6 yr old still crying (negativity). I get a text that we have a puking 12 yr old on the way to school (negativity) but she was fine and going to stick it out (she gets car sick easily). I got home and quickly rode my bike (I detest exercise so this is a negative because I just have to do it and then a positive that I got it completed). I got in the shower afterwards and just cried my eyes out because I was sad. Sad as could be at 8:45 am. Nothing is horribly wrong but I am giving myself permission to just be sad. Also, if you tell me to put on my big girl panties and deal with it before I’m ready to, expect a prompt punch to the mouth. It is OKAY to be sad no matter how good or bad things are at any given moment. Okay? Can we be nice to the sad? I got a call from the school nurse that 12 yr old is still puking (negativity). I texted one of my circle of truth mom’s about my cry and she promptly called. YES, support….feeling better already!! Pick up 12 year old from school and have to cancel lunch date with another circle of truth mom (negativity). My point here is that most days I’m surrounded by more negativity than positivity and it weighs me down because of my love language.

I am very thankful that typically at the end of most school days when I run into a friend at school pick-up, I know I will always hear a kind word from her. I look forward to that on school days. I doubt she even knows she is a breath of kind air in the day of negativity. I need to tell her that. I also need to tell my other supportive friends and family that they are my breath of kind air in a day filled with negativity. REMEMBER, I am words of affirmation.

p.s. I’ve already perked up and I’m not sad anymore at 11:38 am. BUT, now I’m hungry J

To blog or not to blog

I have received much encouragement to start a blog. Joke is on you, I already have one. A neglected one, but one none the less. There are sad, previous posts to prove it. Maybe it’s time to feed my creative side, maybe I need something to do to disengage myself from the chaos around me.  I will attempt this blog business……at least for a day any way.

What better way to start this then by sharing 15 things you may or may not know about me? You know, it’s popular on FB right now. It’s not as humorous as my FB posts but bear with me, I can only be serious so long because if I’m not laughing I’m crying!

1.    I am funnier on FB than in person. SERIOUSLY. Those of you who see me on a regular basis, in person, know that this is true. I’m glad you pretend to like me even though I’m boring face to face.

2.    I’ve nearly had a nervous breakdown twice. Both times were due to lice. There will be those of you who will judge us because of this. It is because it has not hit your household yet. You will be humbled in a way you have never felt before when it is shared with you. The first time, the child that brought it home shared it with me. Mommies tend to get it too because we love and hug on our kids, A LOT. When it was discovered, I called a very trusted friend and shared our shame. She understood because it had hit her home before too. She is a big part of why I survived. I share this because when it comes to your house (and believe me it will if you have kids in school), I am here for you even if you are secretly judging us now. I will listen as you cry about what a nightmare it is and how horrible it is to get rid of. I will share our story and how we eventually got rid of it and kept it from spreading to other children.

3.    I love Cheetos. I mean I really REALLY love Cheetos.

4.    A lot of people think my husband is ‘whipped.’ Actually he is trying to keep my world sane. There are some true crazies in our family ancestry. My husband has seen me once in the depth of my darkness. I think he goes out of his way to keep everything running smoothly with as little stress as possible because he doesn’t want to see that again. It was bad and he loved me and stayed with me although I’m sure it was very scary.

5.    I drink like a man and when I do I cuss like a sailor. I’m not proud but it’s the truth. The reason is number 6.

6.    My two sets of twins were all created on the same day and are technically quads. The first set was conceived via IVF (in vitro fertilization) and were the best looking embryos and thus transferred first. The second set (and a third embryo) was frozen for 5.5 years in a cryogenic lab in Austin because they didn’t look so great. After the first set turned four, I decided it was time to start thinking about what to do with our left overs, as I fondly referred to them. The second set was conceived via FET (frozen embryo transfer). The third embryo that was frozen with the second set did not survive the thawing process. I’m not going to lie, there was a huge sigh of relief when we found out.

7.    I refer to my first set of twins as the bigs, set 1 or as L1 and E1. I refer to my second set of twins as the littles, set 2 or E2 and L2.

8.    I detest being late. It was never a problem before kids. After kids, I’m late all the time unless they aren’t with me. Then I’m usually early like I like it!

9.    I am a perfectionist that I’ve had to let go of since having kids. I still refuse to do crafts with them. It is also hard for me to help with school projects. Poor bigs, they had to break me in. I know what gets by now in school and that is what we do. So glad to learn from the bigs. My littles are the quintessential “younger siblings.” Less effort is put into their projects, less pressure to do well, less pressure all the way around. The bigs are not amused with my new found attitude.

10.  I detest exercise more than being late. I get that you love Zumba, running, crossfit, whatever it is you do but really you are wasting your breath trying to get me to love it too. I won’t. EVER.

11.  I am a neat freak. I’ve had to let that go too. Have I mentioned yet that I have two sets of twins? My house is a disaster ALL the time now and it drives me insane. There is no way to keep it clutter free. I go bat crap crazy about once a month because of it and the kids know the drill: Run around, pick stuff up, shove it somewhere out of the way before Mom comes to my room and throws her fit. Brian even runs around warning the kids that I’ve already let one have it, hurry up and do something before I move on to them.

12.  I have one tattoo. If I realize my dream of having a tummy tuck, it will be removed during the tuck. Not because of what it is but because of where it is. Two twin pregnancies do a DOOZY on a tattoo in the bikini area. YOUNG WOMEN think before you INK, especially about where. I didn’t think I was going to have two sets of twins at age 21 either.

13.  I got married when I was 20 years old. My husband proposed after 3 weeks of dating and we were married 8 months later. He likes to point out we knew each other for two years before dating. I think that takes away from the story.

14.  I was voted most likely to join a rock band at my junior high school prom.

15.  My greatest gift I think I have to offer is moral support to other people. At first it was to other parents of preemies, then to parents of twins, and parents to multiple multiples. Now it can be to any Mom or person struggling with something. I think it stems from going through infertility and trying to find support for that. I think people forget that everyone is always struggling with something. I always found it discouraging when people tried to “out do” your struggle. You know the people, “Oh you think that is bad? Well……” All struggles are relative to your life. Someone going through something ‘worse’ than you does not minimize your struggle. It meant the world to me the first time someone said to me, “What you’re going through is hard, it stinks, it’s horrible. What you are feeling is normal. You are allowed to feel angry, pissed off, sad.” And when someone ASKS me for advice, that’s when I share “what’s worked for us/me.” NOT my way is the only way. There is more than one way to solve a problem. When you have a network of trusted people who will share “what’s worked for them stories” you will have lots of great ideas to work with. Don’t get me wrong, I do tell myself it could always be worse and usually worse for me is lice. But when lice hits our house, what I tell myself in my mind are “my kids aren’t terminally ill, my parents are still living, I have a marriage people envy, God thinks I’m stronger than I am and I’m not amused, and my network of friends to lean on is extensive.”

Beagles

This past weekend, my husand and I and the big girls went to Austin. E2 and L2 stayed with Memaw. Memaw had them at her house to entertain them. During a walk, they went by a neighbors house that has a beagle. This beagle likes to jump up on the storage shed to see over the fence and bark at people passing by. E2 had her fill of the barking and said, "Underdog, BE QUIET!" I guess we let them watch too many of L1 and E1's movies.

Tumbling and Basketball

L1 and E1 started tumbling this week. They really wanted to learn how to do cartwheels and I'd heard amazing things about this place. We get to try the month for free which was an even better bonus. After two classes, E1 just about has her cartwheel and L1 is close behind. They LOVE LOVE LOVE the class and they make them do crunches and push-ups. I didn't think that was going to go over well.

L1 has her first basketball practice today. Her first game is Saturday. I can't wait to see this unfold. She is excited about all her activities. E1 was complaining because L1 gets to do basketball and tumbling and I was talking about soccer too. So I asked E1 if she wanted to do basketball and soccer and she looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Uh no." So then don't complain!

M&Ms

These little chocolate treats are a favorite at our house. I let E2 and L2 have a couple this evening after L1 and E1 left to spend the night at Memaw's house. About 20 minutes later, E2 looked up at me and said, "I likesa M and M's." I told her I did too!

Turd in the Toilet

This actually occurred last week but it is blog worthy.

I walked into the kids bathroom last Thursday night to help L1 look for something. I couldn't figure out why the bathroom stunk so bad. I looked in the toilet for surprises (8 year olds still forget to flush) but it was clean. I looked in the tub to see if there was a toy with standing water or something. At quick glance there appeared to be a bug on the soap dish. Upon closer inspection I realized it was a turd. One of them had to have PUT it there!

Mind you, my husband had given E2 and L2 a bath over 24 hours earlier. This means that one of the babies pooped, unbeknownst to him, and placed the said turd on the soap dish, again unbeknownst to him. We haven't laughed that hard in a long time!

Everything Brooke

I have been calling E2 by her first and middle name when she starts to get into something. I also have a slight change in my tone, almost like a question when I say, "E2 Brooke...." I guess I have been doing it quite a bit. Last week L2 started getting into the DVDs and I heard E2 call her in the same tone, "L2 Brooke...." And, last night my husband was doing something and E2 said to him, "Daddy Brooke." I need to start calling everyone by their first and middle names!